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sirona_ficsLet's see. 2011 was a bit of a pain in the arse, won't lie. It was a horrible, uncertain year for many people. For me, it was coming to terms with loss, with who I am, with the fact that it's all right to grieve, and it's not my fault, the reason behind the grief. That I should stop hating myself for what happened, and I should cut myself some slack already. That I deserve good things, too.
Also it was the year when my wonderful, beloved nephew was born, and for that I will always be more grateful than I can say.
Righty-ho. Let's take a look at last year's resolutions and what happened there.
1. Try to be less afraid of trying new things (and of failing in them). -- Hmmmm. Not sure I did so well here. Rolling this one over for this year. BUT I did get to meet some bloody fantastic people that have made my life better in so many ways, so. Not a complete fail. :D Also, I'm pretty proud of the leaps I've taken in fic writing. My stories have been a lot more ambitious, a lot more experimental, and I'm damn proud of the way I have been jumping head-first into trying new things. So -- overall a pass on fanish things, a fail on RL things? Sounds about right.
2. Try to be less paranoid. You're long past the age when people used to mock you for sport. -- That one gets a big green light. Done pretty well on this one -- I have been a lot more open about things with people here, and the support I have received is unbelievable.
3. Be more open with people (see 2.) Try to be less aloof and protective of yourself. You'll never grow if you don't challenge yourself, and you'll miss out on meeting some amazing people. -- Likewise, green light on this one. Met some fucking amazing people as a result of pushing myself to interact more with people. So yeah. Good one, self. <3
4. Try not to be so dismissive of everyone around you. Just because you've seen and been through more than they could possibly imagine doesn't mean that they don't have stories to tell, and that you can't learn from them. You'll never be a good writer if you don't open yourself up to people. (Yes. It will be HARD. It will probably be the hardest thing I'm going to try to do this year, but it will be good for me. People can still surprise me, and it'll do me good to remember that.) -- Hmmmm. Not sure how well I did on this one. God knows I tried, though -- you get points for that, right? /0\
5. Try to be kind(er) to people -- and to yourself. -- Did better here, especially on the second front, even if that came in the latter part of the year. It's okay, self. It's not your fault. Eeeeeverything will be all riiiiight. <3 Rolling that one over to this year, too.
6. Do things that make YOU happy, as opposed to making everyone else BUT you happy. -- HAH. Did better here than before, but I'm still not quite there. This year, though. Here's hoping.
7. Spend more time with your Gran. She's well over 80 years old now, and you don't know how much time you've left with her. -- Nice clean pass on that one. Did my hardest to keep this, and I have spent a lot more time with her this year than the last one. Keep going, self. *thumbs up*
8. Remember Oxford. In the three years you spent there, you'd made excellent headway in being happy about the small things in life, rather than being disappointed about the big ones. Happiness is all around us, if only we'd realise it's there -- it's in a well-made cup of tea, in the first leaves of spring, in the flower market, in knowing the name of your barista, in your friend's smile when s/he sees you for the first time in months, in the first warm April morning, in the first bloom on the apple tree. Remember to take the time to notice. -- Did better here. Not as well as I'd hoped, but. Better. Rolling it on to next year.
9. Remember what it was like to look at the world in wonder. Stay open to new experiences. Know that you know nothing. -- Much better here. I've really pushed myself, and I feel good about this one -- so good, in fact, that I don't think I've done nearly enough. Definitely something to keep working on.
10. Life is what you make of it. When you read this in a year's time, I hope you're a little wiser, a little kinder, a little happier, and you haven't let chances slip through your fingers because you were afraid, because that would just be such a waste. -- Huh. Well. Let's just say that I've done my damnedest to keep this one, and at least when I look back at 2011, I don't want to kick myself for not taking advantage of an opportunity. So, overall, good. Definitely.
And now for a few 2012 resolutions. This year, like the last, I'm going to borrow my wishes to you from a master wordsmith, someone who puts it far, far better than I ever could.
...I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.
It's the best message I could leave for myself -- because if this past year has proven anything, it's that the world does need more kindness. Anything after that is immaterial. Be kind to people, but first and foremost, be kind to yourself. All the rest of it will fall in place by itself.
1.To reitterate, be kind. Both to yourself and other people, but mostly to yourself. It's okay, love. You deserve good things, too. Try not to push them away out of fear, like you tend to.
2. Like GNeil said this year, make mistakes. Because mistakes mean that you've tried new things, you've put your fears aside and dived in head-first; that you have taken a leap. Make wonderful, glorious mistakes. A mistake isn't failing, it's working out how not to do something -- which is a different kettle of fish altogether.
3. Remember: "Small moves, Ellie." One step at a time. Small goals. Time is not the enemy. Take chances as and when they happen to you; don't shy away from risks. Things have a funny way of working out.
4. Let people love you. You deserve to be loved. I know you don't believe it, but hey, newsflash -- it's hard for other people, too. Don't make it harder because of silly insecurities. Remember: Fragile things can often prove remarkably difficult to kill. Goes for your heart, too.
5. If it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
It was true when Bukowski wrote it, it's still true now. Write. Live. Love. But do it with passion, or don't do it at all. If there's no passion in what you do, find a different way, one that is bursting at the seams with it. Life is too short to be miserable. Do It.
6. Work on your original story. Take a leap. Give it a try, see if it's worth developing. It's a good idea, and it hasn't let go of you for months now. Take the time to find where it can go.
7. Remember that life is in the small things. In drinking a cup of tea with a friend, going to the cinema at 3pm on a Wednesday just because you want to see something and you can, flying to London for five days just to spend time with people who have become such close friends it often surprises you, in strolling out in the sunshine with baby Nicky in his pram. Live in the moment, or it will slip through your fingers, gone forever.
I think that's enough to be getting on with. :) Here's to a bloody fantastic year, one way or another. Hey, we might all be dead this time next year. Let's live it in a way we can be proud of. AND FILL IT WITH BOYS AND GIRLS IN LOVE. BECAUSE THERE ARE FEW THINGS BETTER. ♥
Lastly: You guys are ALL MY FAVOURITES. Thank you for being the people you are. <3<3<3
