We're gonna run out of cake at this rate

Happy New Year, guys! ♥

Let's see. 2011 was a bit of a pain in the arse, won't lie. It was a horrible, uncertain year for many people. For me, it was coming to terms with loss, with who I am, with the fact that it's all right to grieve, and it's not my fault, the reason behind the grief. That I should stop hating myself for what happened, and I should cut myself some slack already. That I deserve good things, too.

Also it was the year when my wonderful, beloved nephew was born, and for that I will always be more grateful than I can say.

Righty-ho. Let's take a look at last year's resolutions and what happened there.

( 2011 - pass or fail? )

And now for a few 2012 resolutions. This year, like the last, I'm going to borrow my wishes to you from a master wordsmith, someone who puts it far, far better than I ever could.

...I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

It's the best message I could leave for myself -- because if this past year has proven anything, it's that the world does need more kindness. Anything after that is immaterial. Be kind to people, but first and foremost, be kind to yourself. All the rest of it will fall in place by itself.

( Here's hoping. )

I think that's enough to be getting on with. :) Here's to a bloody fantastic year, one way or another. Hey, we might all be dead this time next year. Let's live it in a way we can be proud of. AND FILL IT WITH BOYS AND GIRLS IN LOVE. BECAUSE THERE ARE FEW THINGS BETTER. ♥

Lastly: You guys are ALL MY FAVOURITES. Thank you for being the people you are. <3<3<3

So I've just watched this episode of Criminal Minds (while what I should be doing is finishing edits on my secret_mutant assignment, goddamn it X/), BUT. Okay, it's season 3, the one where there was this genius comic book artist that had a psychotic breakdown and murdered the guys who attacked him and his girlfriend/fiancee six months ago? Anyway, it's not important (although it's a bloody brilliant episode) -- the important thing is the last few minutes, as the team flies back to HQ (people who watch the show will know what I'm on about), and one of them muses how the guy was just an ordinary man not long ago, before he was forced to turn into this cold-blooded killer by circumstances, and wonders whether we all have that potential in us.

And now I'm having these thoughts, tangled up in Metanoia-influenced musings, of cold-blooded killers that murder with a steady hand because their victims are bad, bad people who damn well deserve it; of heroes tangled up in villains, The difference between a hero and a villain is one really bad day (I'll be damned if I know where that comes from; this particular version of events is Jesse's, I think -- zolac_no_miko, correct me if I'm wrong); “The noir hero is a knight in blood caked armor. He's dirty and he does his best to deny the fact that he's a hero the whole time.” (that one is Frank Miller). And now I have an absolutely debilitating craving for fics like that -- utterly sane, smirking men with bloody hands and a moral compass that only points due justice, if society won't do it then he/she bloody well will; of a good guy that's trying desperately hard to remain on the right side of the law even as he senses the lure of the other side. Of that good-ish guy meeting that other guy, the connection, the electric, magnetic spark between them (see Luther/Alice for example). Of someone so broken (Star), yet with the potential to be made slightly less so by the judicious application of a good man (Zan). UGH, IDK WHY I WANT IT SO FUCKING BAD, BUT I DO.

Tropes for the win, I guess! :) But I can't, I just can't help but think, Cap and Bucky, where Bucky isn't quite Winter Soldier but is close, the other side of the coin, getting his hands dirty because someone has to and it can't be Steve, Steve who is everything that is good in the world that Bucky sees -- bleak, dark, uncompromising, no rose-tinted spectacles for me, pal; the perpetual push-and-pull of them, jahfdaljkghajkghjhg OH, GOD.

#why, brain, why? If anyone has any story recs for me, in any fandom, pass 'em here, please! <3 Because I really, really fucking want it, bad enough to write an original story if that's what it takes. But come on, in all the world there's got to be someone as wonky as me that's already thought of something way better than anything I could come up with.

Also see: The Administration, which is the perfect example, and I'm going to pimp it out until everyone out there has read it, because Manna, man. Gal's a genius. You know I'm all about the fluff usually, but sometimes I need dark, blood-tinged fluff, I love you as certain dark things are to be loved-fluff (also, that poem, amirite? A perennial favourite, carved somewhere inside me). Because that's beautiful, too.

• it’s not your fault
  
• you don’t have to apologize
  
• it’s okay if you feel bad, because some days are like that
  
• it’s okay if you feel good, because some days are like that too
  
• you’re not crazy
  
• no, really, you’re not crazy
  
• even if you feel crazy
  
• even if you feel like you’re out of control and you can’t get your footing and you’re never going to
  
• you’re still not crazy
  
• and it’s still not your fault
  
• and you are going to find your footing
  
• (but it’s okay if it takes awhile)
  
• (you’re not on a schedule)
  
• you’re not a burden
  
• you don’t have to be ashamed of yourself
  
• and even if do feel ashamed of yourself (some days are like that)
  
• i’m not ashamed of you
  
• because you haven’t done or thought or felt anything to be ashamed of
  
• you deserve love and happiness
  
• you deserve to feel like you’re on solid ground
  
• but it’s still okay if you don’t
  
• and it’s still not your fault
  
• and you’re still not crazy
  
• be kind to you
  
• because you deserve kindness, too
  
• you deserve it from everyone else
  
• and you deserve it from yourself
  
• you are not alone
  
• everyone has good days
  
• and everyone has bad days
  
• and lots of us have strung-out gut-rotting awful days where it seems like it’s never going to get better
  
• but it is going to get better
  
• it’s absolutely going to get better
  
• i love you
  
• and i promise. <3

from here.

Just so you know -- it did. It really did. I love you, honey. <3

Okay. Deep breaths, Neve. Now off to do all the things.