Oh my god it is finally over.

[sirona_fics]

IT IS DONE.

66 pages and just over 17,000 words later, I have finished my dissertation. I wanted to throw up for a bit there, I was so wound up. But I can breathe again now that I've laid my paws on some booze and have eaten ALL THE THINGS. I look it over tomorrow, then I print it, get it bound, burnt to a CD, and I submit it on Wednesday.

AND THEN I SPEND THE REST OF TOMORROW PROCRASTINATING LIKE A BOSS. I will be watching the H50 finale, and then writing my black little heart out. I have so many things to write, that I actually want to write, it's brilliant!

One other reason, though, that makes me want to throw up is that, like I moaned to andrealyn an hour ago, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get cut out of the H50 Big Bang. Which would be fair, you know, I didn't make the 20K wordcount, not by a long shot -- together with this morning's procrastination, it's just 200 words off 10K. It's making me sick, because I am totally in love with that story, but everything that's happened -- my nephew, help_japan, dissertation -- I just haven't had the time I've wanted to devote to it. It's making me so disappointed in myself.

I mean, I'm not gonna let it go. I am totally going to finish it, no matter whether I'm allowed to proceed or not. It's clamouring to be written in my head, and now that I CAN give it my undivided attention, it's going to pour or punch its way out of me, one way or another.

To be honest, I hadn't realised just how stressed I was making myself thinking about it until this morning. sheafrotherdon has put up this gorgeous story that I loved, but there was a point in it where, ngl, I just burst into tears and sobbed for like ten minutes straight. Because I just kept thinking, well, what if Danny had died last ep? What if Steve couldn't do anything about it? He would have so taken on the guilt, and I would wager that it would be one loss too many, and that he'd go so insane that he'd commit suicide by bad guy not too long a time after -- maybe he'd go back to the SEALs, and would meet his doom somewhere out there, in the middle of a jungle or something. And I just kept thinking, Danny would be right there waiting for him. He'd be pissed, hella pissed, but he'd be there waiting for his Steve anyway. And then maybe they would finally be able to let go and be together. IDEK where it came from, but it had me bawling like a baby. And even god the surfer dude couldn't make me stop until I was done.

Yeah, weird, tell me about it. Anyway, I'm off to write Steve/Danny IN LOVE, ALWAYS IN LOVE, and maybe squeeze in watching the new Who ep somewhere, since people keep telling me it's the most awesome thing since ice cream. THE POINT IS, I CAN.

FOR YOUR TIME (shamelessly nabbed off delicatale):



ETA: NNNNNNNNNNGH, ARMS.

Comments

[shinysylver.livejournal.com]

In the middle of forcing my Big Bang to 20,000 I read sheafrotherdon's little ficlet about them in bed and nearly lost it. Then I saw the preview for the ep and even though I'd seen it before and it didn't have anything in it that would cause me too I started crying.

I was all: "Danny better be there for Steve because Steve has been abandoned before and he has trust issues and he needs his Danno."

And I was just sitting there crying and flapping my hands and my mom is like: "I'm afraid you're starting to lose touch with reality."

So yeah...me too.

Oh and congrats on the dissertation. :D

[sirona-gs.livejournal.com]

CONGRATS ON FINISHING YOUR BIG BANG!!! THIS IS HUGE, VERY WELL DONE, YOU!! /showers you in confetti/

YES YES THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING, OH MY GOD. I don't know why it hit me so bad, so hard, but I literally had to get up to fetch tissues because i was making a mess all over my t-shirt. OH MY GOD SHOW, PLEASE DON'T BREAK MY HEART. T_____T

[shinysylver.livejournal.com]

Thanks...now the hard part though because revising that thing into something that I won't be ashamed to post is going to be hard.

And yeah...I am going to blame my on edge emotions on the nonstop writing and you can too. *nods* Well that and my bordering on unhealthy level of love for Steve.

Gosh I am so excited/terrified for tonight.